The Marshall Herschell Pain Mail is a big part of the Darkness of my Soul history. These letters tell a dark and sad story of a man tormented by an awful coach and his eventual vengeance. Of course, Marshall Herschell would eventually appear as a co-host on the final few episodes of the Darkness of my Soul.
Here is the complete Pain Mail archives in all of its insane glory:
Pain Mail #1:
Dear Raven and Esper,
Boy do I have a story for you!
Reader discretion is strongly advised! This story is going to make your lower back hurt!
It was 1983 when I was a player on my high school football team. We were called the Suddenville High Savages, and we were by far the best team in our region. One weekend we were taking a trip up to Sacramento to play a game against our biggest competition.....GREENHAVEN HIGH! When we arrived to our hotel our dreadful sleazebag of a coach named Coach Salinas told us to get our butts to bed by throwing rubber chickens at our butts and pretending that he was the devil. When me and my buds got up to our hotel room we started talking about our team cheerleaders and how they were located just on the other side of the hotel. Being the the spontaneous horn dogs that we were at the time we made an attempt to try and sneak to the other side of the hotel. We silently took the stairs down to the main lobby, then proceeded to sprint like mouses up the staircase which led to the left wing of the building. When we got there we were amazed by the fact that all of the doors we were looking at were full of hot babes. We all decided on a random door to knock on and let me just say that this was definitely not the right door to knock on, it was where Coach Salinas was staying. He grabbed all of us by the ears and started hitting our BARE bottoms with rubber chickens! It was my pain defining moment in life and for weeks after the atrocious event all of the other team players and students called my friends and I CHICKEN BUM! This story is too painful. Wah wah wah, boo hoo hoo.
Pain Mail #2:
Dear Raven and Esper,
My pain email for you this week is as cold as ice!
It was 1984 when I was in my senior year at Suddenville high. I was the star quarterback on the football team and because of that I became the interest of almost every chick at the school. Every Thursday we would have extra long practices and every time during our lousy 15 minute break I would usually find some cheerleader to go make out with behind the bleachers. During one of these 15 minute breaks I was making out with the captain of the cheer squad, Barb Adams. Barb Adams was the definition of hot. Now if you remember my last pain email, the team coach named Coach Salinas (which is pronounced sah-lee-nus) was a big jerk. He caught Barb Adams and I making out and told both of us to go straight to his office when football practice was over. After the practice we both went to his office and were completely frightened thinking about the sort of punishments that he would assign us. Sure enough Coach Salinas gave us two options! He would either phone both of our parents or humiliate us by forcing us to wear dirty stained jock straps on our faces for a full day of school. We both had to choose the same option and Barb Adam's parents were extremely strict Catholics, so phoning both of our parents was completely out of question. The next day Barb and I both had the dirtiest and smelliest jock straps on our faces and let me tell you, I have never seen so many camera flashes in my life! And at the end of the year when we received our year books there was a page dedicated to Barb and I with at least 30 photos of us wearing those brown stained jock straps on our faces. High School in the early 80's was definitely no fun and because of all of the atrocious events that happened (all of which you will be hearing about in future pain emails) I have been living my life as a bummed out middle aged shoe salesman at Sears. Thank you Raven and Esper, for being an outlet for my pain! I never thought I would be writing pain letters to the kind of people I used to beat up! Who would have known...
Bye for now,
Pain Mail #3:
Dear Raven and Esper,
In 1983 when the high school football team was up against our neighboring school, my friends and I snuck over to the other team's school bus and we spray painted a naked dude on their front windshield. Of course some near lurkers ratted us out and we got the biggest punishment from Coach Salinas. This was one of his worst punishment methods, it was pretty awful, it was the classic underpants over the basketball net wedgie. Coach Salinas got the rest of the team to contribute to giving my few friends and I the awful wedgie. Boy did that wedgie hurt.I cried for a good five days after that. Of course I did so in complete privacy, you have to remember back in the early 80's I had a pretty good reputation going on.
Pain Mail #4:
Dear Raven and Esper,
Here is a comedic blood pain story for you and all of the "ghoulish" listeners!
It was the Halloween of 1983 and all of my buddies on the football team thought it was a great time to pull off a legendary prank on Coach Salinas (pronounced Sah-lee-nus). My great guy pal at the time named Henry worked part time at his grandfather's meat shop, and was often on duty in the butcher room. I asked Henry to score the gang and I a gallon of pig blood so we could proceed with our great prank. Later that day Coach Salinas was scheduling football games in his office, and called the whole senior team in so he could tell us about the upcoming games. When we got to his office we pulled out the bucket of pig blood and dumped it all over his head. Coach Salinas was extremely angry and began to start yelling the nastiest words at all of us while doing suggestive and explicit gestures. Because I was the captain of the team I was always the team martyr, and always was made an example of with disgusting punishments. For a whole two weeks after that he would purposely plug his toilet with his own filth and excuse me from my classes to go unplug it using my bare hands. He would document the act of me unplugging his toilet and show it at every student union meeting. None of the other teachers even cared about the awful punishments he would give me! Luckily in 1985 after my graduation Coach Salinas was trialed and sentenced to 2 years of community service. The jerk got what he deserved! That was one of many awful times at Suddenville High in the early 80's. To help with the pain of this horrible memory I would like to a request a song! I would like to hear a song called Weeping Widow by April Wine.
Pain Mail #5:
Dear Raven and Esper,
Here is another story from my senior year at Suddenville High. As you may already know, I was a chick magnet...
This one time I was sitting in the cafeteria at lunch and this babe named Shauna Harrison sat at my table and started flirting with me while acknowledging my sex appeal. I kissed her hand and said a few of my golden pick up lines and the chick really began to dig me......until Coach Salinas walked by! Coach Salinas sat down at the table and began to introduce himself to this hot babe that I was talking to. He told her a bunch of lies about me saying that I was known for "hanging out" in the boys locker room even if I were fully dressed! He even told her false details about my "wang". I told Coach Salinas to get lost and to go do something better with his life! Well, this remark landed me in a series of awful punishments and all of them had to be done in front of the girl I was talking to! He made me eat 4 bowls of "All Bran Cereal" and made me violently digest it in front of Shauna! He also made me wear make up and take a cold shower in front of her! Coach Salinas was an awful dirt bag! The school board never believed me when I told them about how awful he was. I don't mean to take advantage of your weird goth show by telling you these stories, but I need a way to let all of this pain out. I would like to request a song by the band called Cutting Crew. I haven't heard those guys in so many years!
P.S. Was Esper on a recent cover of High Times magazine?
Pain Mail #6:
Dear my men (Raven and Esper),
This one time in '84 or '85 my buddies and I were playing racket ball at our local fitness club in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It was called The Zoo Health Club and it was located just off of 30th avenue and 5th street. At the time I was living in the south east section of the city and I was only located two or three blocks from the place. Anyways, after our game of racket ball we decided to go take an hour long break then get right back to another game. Right when the break began I went to the washroom and urinated out 5 gallons of the cheap vitamin water that they were selling at the club (back in those days that stuff was top of the line fuel for playing racket ball). I was stationed at my urinal that was located in the corner of the washroom and I couldn't help but notice that a fully naked man with an awful blonde perm was located on the other side of the row of urinals. I tried my hardest to not pay any attention to him and get out of the washroom as fast as I could. But when he started to stare at me with an intense look and violently grab his genitals I had no choice but to freak out on this messed up weirdo. "I'm going to beat the f***ing sh*t out of you!" I screamed and proceeded to punch the mother out. A second before I did so my highschool coach named Coach Salinas (pronounced saleenus) walked into the washroom (he ran a fitness program there, it's what he did after he got fired as a school teacher). He started yelling at me and accusing me of engaging in homosexual public sex. I tried to explain the situation to him but he wouldn't let me fit any words in and he kept yelling at me. My girlfriend at the time named Cindi was located on the east side of the building at the pool and my former highschool coach raced all the way over there and told her. Coach Salinas made it a public announcement at the pool and my girlfriend was so embarrassed. She dumped me later that day. My heart still hurts.
I would like to request "Love Plus One" by Haircut 100.
Pain Mail #7:
Dear my men (Raven and Esper),
Again, this story takes place in Fort Lauderdale.
I believe the year was 1984 and my girlfriend (at the time) named Cindi and I were at this bar called Otalp's.
The owner of the club's name was John Eilsel and he was a Greek-Dutch American who loved buying drinks for couples.
He brought over some drinks to the table that Cindi and I were sitting at. "Drink up! You are humanity's best!" he screamed.
He used that line on every couple in the place to make them feel great and drink his mysterious liquor. I brought the glass up to my nose and gave the drink a smell, "what is this?" I asked. He answered with "It is very good for you! drink it, guy." We drank it and became completely drunk after a few gulps of the stuff. He then took advantage of us by persuading us to come back to his loft to meet a good friend of his, and since we were wasted we agreed to do so. When we got back to his place he told us to take a seat while he went and grabbed his friend from the guest room, and sure enough his friend was no other than Coach Salinas (pronounced Saleenus). "Is it ever possible to escape this pathetic loser?" I thought to myself. Coach Salinas began to laugh and tell John Eilsel all of the humiliations that he put me through during my previous high school years. John Eilsel was laughing like a madman and as soon as he heard those stories he raced to his kitchen to make me a drink. He came over to me with a drink which appeared to be vodka, and said "Drink up! You are humanity's worst! HA HA HA." That comment made me feel truly awful inside. I chugged the drink and grabbed Cindi's hand and we began to make our way out of his loft. After that moment I couldn't go to Otalp's (which was my favorite club) without being laughed at and humiliated. Coach Salinas would ruin everything for me. I wonder if Salinas has changed his ways or if he is still an awful man, I guess all I can do is attend the High School Reunion next month and find out for myself!
In honor of this story I would like to request "Dance My Pants Right Off" by Keith Clifton (The song was frequently played at Otalp's)
Pain Mail #8:
Dear my men,
Being a teenager in the 80's wasn't all about liquor, sex and rock 'n' roll. Of course that is what we all wanted but there were always oppressors who would stop us from having a good time. During one of the football team's out of town games we were at a hotel and we were trying to organize a party (by the way, this is a different hotel story than the one that I told you about in my first pain email that I sent to you guys). All of my buddies on the team gathered up some booze and we called all of the cheerleaders to come to our hotel room for a sexy and musky "get drunk and lose it" type of party, it was going to be a wild night! It was 11 PM and Coach Salinas (pronounced Saleenus) had gone to sleep an hour previous to the party time. We gathered up carpets from all of our hotel rooms and we hung them on the "party room's" walls and door to sound proof it a little bit. By midnight the party was pretty good, we were making out with hot cheerleader babes and drinking until we puked in the toilet, it was a teenager's paradise! I probably made out with 9 different chicks (slept with some of them too!). Partying back in the early 80's was great whenever we could pull it off, we had fantastic music and a fantastic time. This party was so good that it was destined to get shut down, and now in tradition of my previous emails I will explain how Coach Salinas ruined everything. Coach Salinas barged into the room and started screaming and telling us to shut off the music (we were cranking the new Machinations album) and told everyone to get back to their rooms, I even saw him slap one of the cheerleader's bum! As soon as everybody left he told me that I was in for some "old fashioned" punishment! "Because you still have one more year left of school I am going to give you an extreme punishment to shape you up for the last year that I have you in my class! I am tired of you always acting like an ass clown! I am going to make you drink some more until you throw up everything in your system, then I'm going to make you eat it! If you refuse to do so I will kick you off the team and suspend you from school!" He stood there as I attempted to finish off the last of the liquor from the party. Eventually I puked so much that I couldn't possibly function as a human being and Coach Salinas kept yelling at me to eat it. I slowly ate it and puked some more during the process, Salinas had his little "humiliation capturing" camera out and he took tons of photos of myself being disgustingly drunk and eating my own vomit. He never showed the photos to any of my school peers, but due to word of mouth the story got around the school and it brought my chances of having sex with all of the good looking chicks at my school to a 31% chance. I can't wait to confront Coach Salinas at the high school reunion next month, he was 100 times crazier than any of the members of the football team and yet he gave us (mainly me) awful and disgusting punishments if we were acting a little bit crazy. In honor of this story I would like to request "Pressure Sway" by Machinations, it was the album that I remember playing at the party.
Take care Esper,
Pain Mail #9:
Dear my men,
In 1986 I used to go to this place called Club 64, it was a place where there was a lot of action and I had to always make sure I was in the right mood before going there. At Club 64 you could watch both a live rock band and watch a girl dance and shake her jugs for the price of two dollars, it was pretty kick-ass. This one night I was there watching some awful band who wore spandex and had awful fluffy hair, I think they were called Gutz. Anyways, I was sitting alone in the back of the club drinking vodka when some really attractive women walked past me wearing tight spandex pants (their butt cheeks were very visually in your face due to the tightness of the pants). I whistled at them and asked them if I could buy them a drink and they accepted my offer, so I went to the bartender and got three drinks. When I walked back they were already sitting at my table whispering to each other and giggling, when I sat down I asked them what was so funny and they told me that some creepy guy invited them to an after-show party at some other club. "You guys shouldn't go, you should come to my apartment for some more drinks, I have a really nice place" I said. They told me that they really wanted to check this after-party out and told me that if I came with them we could all go back to my place after checking out this after-party. After the band was finished we left Club 64 and got in a car and headed to this other club for the after-party. I asked them which club we were going to and they responded with "Otalp's." I was very unhappy to hear that we were going to Otalp's, and I was praying that the owner named John Eilsel wouldn't remember me. We got to to the club and sat down and I tried to hide my face with my hand. A waitress came over and asked us what we wanted, and we all ordered a vodka on the rocks. When the drinks were delivered to us we all took a sip and the moment I slammed my glass down, John Eilsel (the owner of the club) was standing there and he screamed "Drink up! You are humanity's best!" and all of the girls giggled. I was trying to look in a different direction and not make eye contact with him but then he said "Hey! It's you! You are humanity's worst! You are the fruitcake that was taught by my friend George Salinas!" My face turned red and I told him that he was thinking of a different person. He laughed then walked away and I continued to try and make the girls really interested in me. By the end of the night we were all really drunk playing pin ball in the back of the club, and I had already started making out with one of the girls, she was blond and let me just say that god was very kind to her. The two other women started teasing us by telling us to get a room and we decided to stop and hold all of our sexual energy in until we were back at my place. We left the club and called a taxi because we were all extremely drunk. We waited for about an hour and no taxi showed up, so we decided to try and wave one down, the girls were so attractive that they could make any car stop for them and because of this a taxi stopped for us in no time. When one of the girls opened the car I heard them say "Oh! Do you mind if we share a cab with you?" and I thought to myself "Great, we are going to have to share a cab with other people and that totally screws up my plans of trying to make out with the blond girl in the back seat." But I didn't care and I got in the cab. You wouldn't believe who was sitting in the cab, it was no other than John Eilsel and Coach Salinas! The cab began to take off and I didn't have any idea what to do, so I just tried to stay calm. Coach Salinas started laughing and insulting me, and then the stories from the past began. I kept repeating to the girls that none of them were true but they wouldn't believe me they started laughing and giving me dirty looks as if I were some sort of dirty creepy weirdo. "I think we should really be going home with these two older guys" one of the girls said. Coach Salinas told the driver to stop the car, and then he whispered something in the blond girl's ear. She opened the door and kicked me out of the cab with her high heels, I fell in a street puddle and they all began to laugh extremely hard at me. They slammed the door shut and took off! There I was, extremely wasted and soaking wet. Not the best way to end a night that was going in an ecstatic direction.
I would like to request "My Own Way" by Duran Duran.
Take care MEN,
Pain Mail #10:
Dear my men,
I just got back yesterday from my trip to Fort Lauderdale. It was really wild because I was down there to attend my school reunion which I have told you about in previous emails. I saw two of my teachers and members of the football team, but most of the turnout was just people that I simply did not care about at all. I was extremely bored during the whole event because nobody exciting from the past was there and I had no idea where Coach Salinas even was, it was absolutely pathetic! Towards the end of the reunion party I was talking to a few of my ex team mates from the Class of 1984 football team. I asked them about Coach Salinas and they started laughing as if they had something extremely hilarious to tell me. "Coach Salinas is right over there in the corner" they all said. I looked over and there he was, the man that made my teenage years a living, the man that made me hate the world and want to off myself with a gun in the middle of an intersection, it was Coach Salinas! I slowly walked towards him with a look of disappointment on my face, he eventually looked in my direction and noticed me, and then he started to laugh really hard. "Marshall! After almost 30 years you still look like a big soft prick!" he said. "Coach Salinas, it's nice to see that you are still a total jerk." I said to him. I began to go on about how much of a jerk he was to me in high school but then he interrupted me by blowing a big fart and aggressively grabbing my hand. "It's great to see you Marshall" he whispered directly into my ear. I was in such a weird state of mind after that little episode with Coach Salinas, so I left immediately with my wife and we went back to the hotel. When we walked into our hotel room I sat down on my bed and turned on the TV, I noticed that Wild Orchid starring Mickey Rourke was going to be on, so I thought I would go out and buy some snacks for the movie. I drove to the nearest grocery shop and picked up some chips, pretzels and soda. When I got back to the hotel lobby I saw Coach Salinas checking in at the counter, he saw me and waved and I smiled and waved back. When I got into the elevator I yelled "Hey Coach Salinas! You are in a hotel and you are not holding a rubber chicken and wanting to spank me?" The elevator doors then shut and I finally felt all of the depression from my high school years drift away. Later that night I watched Wild Orchid and I ate some chips and drank some soda. It was a good night and I had a very good sleep. I left Fort Lauderdale feeling pretty good and it was an alright trip. I will feel one-hundred percent better once I tell every single teenage story to you two fine young brothers. So keep looking forward to more painful stories from me! I'll write to you next week about the time I lost my virginity, so you better prepare yourselves, Raven and Elmer. Goodbye men!
I would like to request Raised on the Radio by The Ravyns.
Pain Mail #11:
Dear my men,
In 1982 I was the coolest freshman dude, I was the only freshman who could make it out with a senior chick and now I am going to tell you about the time that I made love to one. I arranged sleepover plans with a senior chick named Brenda, she wanted me to come over to her house during the weekend and I was more than willing to. That weekend I road my bike over to her house, it was an extremely large house that even had a huge front gate, it looked like something that was owned by a rich mad doctor. I went up to the front door and rang the buzzer, before I knew it Brenda opened the door and invited me inside. It was eleven O' clock and it was really dark outside. She brought me to her room and sat me on her bed, we began to make out and take off our clothes. Brenda got up and put a record on and then jumped on me, I had a great time, the sex was good. Just then, Brenda's father came home and Brenda began to freak out. She told me to hide under her bed so her father wouldn't see me, Brenda's father came upstairs and yelled "I'm not a jackass! I know he's hiding under the bed!" and he pulled me out from underneath the bed and beat the living daylights out of me! He punched me numerous times in the head and he kicked me down the stairs. He grabbed me by the hair and smashed my face on the front door and then threw me out of the house. I had a broken nose and had to receive 14 stitches. The next day at school the other students were making fun of my bruised up face, Coach Salinas even made me sit in a corner by myself for an entire practice just because I looked like such a freak. For about a month my face was pretty bruised up from Brenda's dad pounding me with his fists. So yeah, that is how I lost my virginity. The funny thing is that I went back to Brenda's house about 2 months after the incident and the exact same thing happened again. Brenda's dad was a violent man. In my senior year a few of my football mates and I ganged up on her dad and broke his ribs, but I'll tell you about that story next week. I would like to request The Queen & Me by Mondo Rock. It was the song that I lost my virginity to.
P.S. Elmer, be nice to your brother!
Pain Mail #12:
Dear my men,
This story is pretty darn long and depressing, so make sure you two men have your tissues near! Also, I promise to keep my pain emails to a shorter length after this one. Anyways, in 1986 I had a job as a data entry clerk at the Landmark Bank Building located in downtown Fort Lauderdale. I believe I was located on the 27th floor, and let me tell you, it was one uncomfortable floor to work on. Everyone in the office was sleeping with each other and my boss thought it was a fantastic thing! He thought that if everyone played a role in each other's personal life, the office atmosphere would be more interesting. I was never really a part of their game and I preferred to just focus on my work and try to keep my office peers irrelevant to my personal life. The data entry clerk job was only temporary and I was only expected to work there for three to five months, but the uncomfortable atmosphere of the office made me want to immediately leave. The job was paying pretty good bucks and I definitely needed the cash at the time, so I tried to stay extremely focused and productive while working hoping that it would make those three to five months go by quickly. Of course working extremely hard didn't help make the time go by any quicker, so I had to do the only other thing that I could think of! I had to go talk to my boss and tell him how I was feeling about everything on the 27th floor. So, on a Monday morning I walked into the office and explained to the boss-man that I was feeling extremely uncomfortable by the weird sexual tension of my co-workers. He tried to make it seem like whatever I was feeling was very minor and told me just to relax, I tried explaining to him again about how much it was bothering and then he laughed and told me about a possible solution to put an end to my uncomfortableness. He insisted that I get to know my co-workers better by making plans with them outside of work. I knew that he was referring to engaging in sexual activity with them, but I wanted to keep the bare topic of sex with co-workers out of the conversation to avoid a feeling ten times more uncomfortable than the one I was already feeling while working in the office. I told him that I would take it into consideration, and of course I only said that just so the conversation would come to an end. I tried drinking alcohol to ease the feeling I was getting from the office but it only made me work very poorly and like I said, I needed the money badly and I couldn't afford to get fired. Now here is where the story finally kicks in. I thought I would put the sex aspect of it aside and give my Boss' advice a chance. I started talking to a woman who I worked with named Nancy, she was an attractive woman with a good sense of humor and an interesting food diet. After a few days of conversing with her we made plans to have some coffee after work. We went to a cafe which was located a block away from where I was living at the time and had a pretty good time talking to her. I didn't feel any of the uncomfortable vibes that I was getting from everyone at the office and I found her to be a very comfortable person to socialize with. During our "coffee date" I mentioned that I only lived a block away from where we were having coffee and I started to talk about how the loft that I was living in was built in the 1920's and had a very interesting design. She told me that she was interested and wanted to take a look at where I lived, I didn't see it as being inappropriate so I invited her to come and see my place. I was certain that she wasn't trying to seduce me in anyway by asking to see my place, so I wasn't very worried. When we got my place I started to show her around, I asked her if she wanted anything to drink (expecting her to ask for some water or a glass of juice) and she responded with "Could you make me a vodka and orange juice?" I didn't want to be rude so I granted her wish and poured her the requested drink. Nancy began to make herself at home it seemed, she was laying down on my couch while enjoying her drink. She sat up and asked me to come sit next to her, I began to feel strange but I tried my best to stay relaxed and not let any sexual thoughts enter my mind. As soon as I sat down next to her she started to touch me, and me being a 21 year old male, I couldn't stop her from doing it. I was enjoying it, and the devil on my shoulder convinced me to give in to her seduction. With all of my morals left behind, we started having sex on the couch, she was too irresistible. The next morning I found out that I made the biggest mistake by having an affair with a married woman, yes, she had a husband. And I found that out when I received a phone call at the office from a crying man who sounded like he had just had his soul torn apart. He told me that Nancy told him that she had an affair with me the night before, she also told him that she was leaving him and wanted to file a divorce. This man's cry was so intense that I couldn't even say any words I was completely frozen. He told me that Nancy was the only woman that he had ever loved and told me that I was a bastard doing what I did. I told him that I had no idea that she was married, and he didn't believe me. He told me that he wanted me to feel satisfied knowing that he was planning on killing himself now that the only thing in the world that he loved was gone. I was so freaked out that I hung up and excused myself from work. I never found out if Nancy's husband killed himself, but the fact that I was part of an incident that gave him a complete broken heart which enabled him to take suicide into strong consideration was enough to mess up my life and make me feel like a complete waste of flesh. I fell into deep emotional pain for a couple of weeks and developed a strong drinking habit. Luckily my family was there to help me feel better about the situation and help me get off of the liquor. And that's the end of it, sorry about the long and monotonous story, from now on I'll stick with the short High School pain stories.
Pain Mail #13:
Dear my men,
When I first joined the football team back in the early 80's, I made the bad mistake of sleeping with the quarterback's girlfriend. He found out and he beat the living daylights out of me, it was awful. Him and Coach Salinas (pronounced Saleenus) were really good buds and had a weird relationship, and when Coach Salinas found out that I slept with the quarterback's girlfriend, he pulled down my pants during one of the team photos. It made me very upset.
I would like to request "When Smokey Sings" by ABC. It was the song that I remember hearing on the radio when I was getting it on with that jerk's girlfriend in the back of my father's car.
Pain Mail #14:
Dear my men,
I'm so glad you are back on the radio. I have been shooting heroin into my arm for the past year as I have had no outlet for my Coach Salinas pain (I hope I can kick the addiction now). There is one particular incident that occurred at the Fort Lauderdale Car Show of 1983 that has been making me smash dishes, hit my dog and scream at my wife. The story begins with me getting my picture taken in front of a 1983 Volvo 200 series car (my favorite). Coach Salinas saw me getting my picture taken, so he dumped a can of RC Cola all over my head and proceeded to humiliate me by dragging me by my left arm outside of the building. When we got outside I noticed there was a sandbox, he threw me into the sandbox and started throwing sand in my eyes! THEN HE BURIED ME! After 3 hours I was finally able to break out from under the sand pile. As soon as I broke free the entire 1983 car convention was standing all around the sand box laughing at me and Coach Salinas was violently chewing a piece of gum, laughing at me as he had his arms around two bikini girls.
I would like to request Cheek to Cheek by Taco.
Pain Mail #15:
Dear my men,
It was the summer of 1984 when I was working at a leather factory. I was in charge of stamping patterns into the tasseled leather coats. I was fast, I was quick, I was speedy, I was swift, I could get a coat done in a matter of four minutes! I would pump out six dozen coats a day! I almost won an award at a leather craftsman expo. Anyways, this one time we received an order for a tasseled leather coat and it was requested that I stamp the word "peppermint" in Korean characters on the coat.
I remember thinking to myself "who the hell would wear such a stinky coat like this?" I of course finished the coat in three and a half minutes and as soon as I was finished the customer had arrived to pick it up. When I brought the coat out to the front of the shop, the customer who ordered the jacket was no other than Coach Salinas (pronounced Saleeenus). He started licking his bottom lip and pointing at me, then he started shaking! "You made my jacket you little butt sniff? I should make you do 78 chin-ups for touching my clothes!"
He then started throwing pennies and pencils at me. Then he shoved his snow cone down the back of my cotton shirt and spit in my hair. I tried to spank him away but he grabbed my arm and put me in a submission hold. He then started to yell at my boss about how much of a tulip I was and due to work regulations my boss had to fire me due to a customer complaint. Coach Salinas crushed my chance of making money to save up for the ski trip I was going to go on with Brenda Walsh and her dad Jim. I'm still very upset about that. Shit!
I want to request Standin' In Line by Haywire.
Pain Mail #16:
Dear my men,
Let's face it. Tartar sauce really isn't just a simple mixture of mayonnaise and relish. Tartar sauce is a hauntingly depressing symbol of a certain memory I like to often forget about. The year was 1982 and I was just trying out for the team. I had no acne. My deodorant was always on. My hair was always combed. And I had a ton of pals because of it. Throwing around the pigskin really brought a lot of attention to me! I could throw the ball so far that touchdowns were guaranteed! The cheerleaders often chanted "M-A-R-S-H-A-L-L he's the best! Kisses! Hugs! Kick some butt!" This is the reason why Coach Salinas hated my guts. He was one jealous boob. The very first Salinas assault that I experienced was ho-ho-ho-ho-horrible.
After the 14th game that our team one Coach Salinas threw a party at a swimming pool. I was having a great time with my pals and gals. Coach Salinas looked mad at me and I didn't know why! After an hour of him staring at me with anger in his eyes I approached him. "Is something wrong Coach Salinas?" I asked. He told me that he wanted to make me a special snack for my champion success on the team. He ran to the pool kitchen and whipped something up.
After four minutes he came back out with a large steel bowl. "What did chef Salinas prepare?" I asked. "Herschell! You stink like a filthy piece of fish!" He screamed. What Coach Salinas had was a large bowl of tartar sauce! He grabbed me by the hair and poured it all down my shorts. I was so horrified! Then he made me go shower it off in the girls shower! At that moment the whole entire school went against me! They began calling me a "dirty fish fart." That was such a hurtful moment. I ache and cry remembering that day, tears drip very gently down my face and onto my heart. Time for another beer.
I would like to request You Can Do Magic by America
Pain Mail #17:
Dear my man,
Well, it's official. My wife is leaving me and taking my dog and all of my money with her. She can't handle the crying and constant heroin use. She kicked me out of my own house and now I have nowhere to live. So I have decided that I will come to Edmonton and find a job so the both of us can have a home. Raven, you need someone to love you and hold you and that person needs to be me! And I need some good clean heroin for my arms and I know I could score some from your emo friends. Just face it, we were meant to be partners! I could even do the show with you, we could incorporate a sports segment on the show! Go Gators Go! Go Gators Go!
Perhaps we could start a football team! I think you would be a good quarterback! CHAMPION CITY BOYYYYY!!!!
da ya know any cheerleaders? we could be millionaires!
I'm all out of smack brother, so I wrote a poem.
in a blinding sun can only footballers see
chasing the dream with a stick of gum and a torch
young fathers dying for the emperor to be free
nowhere = NOW HERE
nowhere = NOW HERE
bloody teeth and dirt filled tubs
tractors full of oil filled jugs
to see a branch upon a bird's nest
hospital vacancy is always the best
nowhere = NOW HERE
stick the pitchfork in good my son
This week I have a more gothic request. I would like to hear Don't Mess with Doctor Dream by Thompson Twins
Pain Mail #18:
Dear my men,
Today I wrote a poem in a Chinese restaurant while I was completely strung out. I was able to take out some money from Money Mart to get me by for the next couple of weeks. Clean smack, brother! It's fresh and good. Anyways, here is my poem to you Chinese angels.
The swollen tongue of an invisible world
empty arms are hard to break
shivering feet of a two faced house
the syrup door is dead, forgotten and dry
battle - commence
Daddy's gone shopping - Hide the keys
Who's playing piano? Shall I kiss the floor?
Opening windows among virtuecon rights
the 13 year ice is not gone but lost
marathons to the end of the corn corridor
Which blood tastes of infected colon
sipping from a source of treason
sipping from a source of fire
those hands have shaken poles of life
the dripping flavor of a king's crown jewels
choking cherries for their infernal affairs
now I safely cry
Pain Mail #19:
Dear my men,
It was March of 1983 when I had my first encounter with food poisoning. I was having a picnic with my friend Tammy right after the homecoming game! We were eating hot dogs and fries. Tammy loved eating hot dogs! It was really nice because I got the hot dogs from my buddy Kyle. Right after we finished eating I felt a sharp shooting pain in my stomach, it was excruciating. Tammy was also in a lot of pain, so we both ran to the school nurse. When we got inside of the school we noticed that Coach Salinas (pronounced Sah-lee-nus) was standing in front of the Nurse's door with a poop eating grin on his face. "How was the food? I switched my hot dogs with your hot dogs! I hope you don't mind" He said. "What did you put in those hot dogs?" I asked with a horrible pain in my voice. "I just injected the hot dogs with an extra strong laxative, you guys look like you don't poop very much!" He screamed. I started to yell at him and he calmly said "Hey, don't leave your picnic basket in the gym locker room." So for the next four hours Tammy and I were crying while we had a bad case of the hershey squirts. Tammy was no longer popular and I was again humiliated by Coach Salinas. It was so horrible!
I have a very poopy song to request! It rules! I would like to hear "On the Loose" by Chris Farren. It's a song that I used to play to help make bowel movements go by a lot easier. It works! You should try it!
By the way, I'm now clean. I locked myself in my father's garage for a week and I cried all of the heroin addiction out. Being sober is great! I am now living in Tahiti.
Pain Mail #20:
How have you guys been doing? LONG TIME NO TALK! Tahiti has been wonderful, I eat all of the Chinese food I want and keep my body in outstanding shape from doing laps in the water. Today I shed some strong tears in a ritual to end the pain from a horrific memory. It was 1985 when I was serving hot dogs at the McCain indoor skating rink. It was a very nice job, I got to drink coffee all day and read Rolling Stone magazine while I served hot dogs. Of course everybody loved the hot dogs at the McCain skating rink. The girl I had a crush on would always buy them after she had figure skating lessons, it was a great time, it was a wild blast man. The only lame thing about the job was that Coach Salinas (pronounced sah-lee-nus) coached a junior hockey team right after my crush finished her figure skating lessons.
So this one time I was serving my crush hot dogs (her name was Honda) and Coach Salinas walked into the building with his team. As soon as he saw me he ran over with a pink happy face. He started to take all of my hot dogs and shove them in a blue leather gym bag. Then he grabbed my arms violently and began jumping up and down trying to dance with me, it was turning into such a horrible assault. He then stuck a hot dog up my nose and dumped a whole entire pouch of ketchup down my pants and threw me against the wall. Then he spit in my ear and licked my hand! His tongue was so rough with dried bacteria build up that the skin on my hand was bleeding. He also mooned the girl that I liked and he had a very gross ass. That was a day of pure torture and horror. Let your dreams turn sour
Nothing but fear and pain
Nightmares and horrors
throughout your mortal days
Let sweet dreams turn to nightmares
of me torturing you
I'm not the wrong one, you did it too
Let your dreams turn sour
Let your dreams turn sour
Let your dreams turn sour
Nightmares and pain throughout the hours
until you have learned the lesson of truth
nightmares keep coming onto you
I would like to hear
Mondo Rock - The Modern Bop!!!!!
See ya boys, I am going to go have these really strong margaritas in the pool they have about 4 shots each lets hope I don't throw up brown crap in the water.
Pain Mail #21:
Dear my men,
Back in august 1986 I did a lot of volunteer work at the Turbovolt Rock Expo. I mopped the floors and worked the ticket booth. I met a hair dresser there named Tammy who ended selling me an amazing car! It was a 1986 Alfa Romeo Spider and it could cruise like you wouldn't believe, let's just say I had quite the collection of cigarette butts in the ash tray from my buddies chain smoking when we would ride a long the beach honking an air horn. Today I was feeling emotionally ill, I cried in torment from the memory of my favourite car getting a septic tank dumped on it. Coach Salinas rented a tractor and picked up a septic tank with it, and he dumped it on my car. I wanted to kill him. Then after he ruined my car he grabbed me by the hair and through me off of a cliff after he cut all of my fingers off with a kitchen knife. He also tore my leg off and bashed my skull in with it as he scalped me with a cheese grader. Then he loaded me into a helicopter where I would drop and hit the ground from about eight thousand feet. As soon as I landed he mangled my spine with a granite table that he purchased while it was on sale at Home Depot. I knew I was in for it when he started cutting my ears off so he could hold them in his hand while he farted into them in front of my entire class. I received seven spankings and he finished me the humiliation by pulling all of the skin off of my chest as he massaged my ribs with a sponge soaked in Mr. Clean. I must say it was quite painful when he spit Italian salad dressing into my eyes. All of the kids laughed at me and I ran home to go lay in bed and think about future days.
“May the vengeance in my heart,
Sting you like a poisoned dart.
Like a cripple may you live?
Until I so wish.
And like a vagabond may you wander,
Like a trembling gasping fish.
Dead or deaf, mute or maim,
May the higher powers grant my every passionate claim?”
I must kill Coach Salinas this Christmas. Too much pain for Tahiti to heal...
I would like to request Way Down by Billy Burnette
Use your torch for light only!
Pain Mail #22:
Dear my men,
Coach Salinas is dead. I travelled to Florida during the weekend to kill him with my bare hands. I found his name in the phone book and immediately drove to his house. I failed my first attempt at approaching him even though I had a genius plan. I climbed his house up to the bathroom window. I broke the window with my knees and did a somersault into the tub. I remember soiling my nylon pants with a bright smile on my face as I adored the carpet surrounding Coach Salinas' big brown potty. I then ran out of the bathroom and all around the house until I found him. His dog started barking and then I heard the sound of a microwave popping popcorn. Coach Salinas was in the kitchen preparing a bowl of popcorn and he happened to see me. He luckily had a butcher knife sitting right next to the sink and he was able to throw it at my immune system. I did the splits in the air then ran out the front door to my car. I was so glad that I escaped that situation.
Later that Night I returned to Coach Salinas' humble abode with a petrified horse leg. I meant business and I was going to annihilate Salinas with a vengeance of sex and attitude. Marshall Herschell is a snake god to courageous women with blue jeans and crystal smoked hair. The lord was in for the kill! Luckily Coach Salinas was asleep. I did a 360 mega back flip onto his coffee table downstairs. When I ran up the stairs I heard someone opening a door to my left. I then threw the petrified horse leg right at his immune system. Coach Salinas went into Cardiac arrest and puked all over his neck. I picked up the petrified horse leg and broke both of his hands and sewed my shart filled nylon pants to his face using a leather sewing needle. I put a rhinestone do-rag on his head and pushed him down his wooden stairs. I then spit out my coca-cola and skinned his feet with a butter knife.
A nice chunk of my blues drifted into the midnight sun! I like to refer to the sun as "God's Adam's apple." I am now back in Tahiti feeling gratified with a big tattooed tear on my cheek. But......there is also real tears on my cheeks. Satan has cried on my ass for the last time and I am now morphing my aura into a pomegranate clitoris which belongs to all six-hundred and forty-six Greek gods. A salutation has been made to murder this Christmas season boys and now I'm ready for turkey....
I would like to request
On The Loose by Chris Farren